Let’s face it. You have been a victim. To be a victim is to have life experience thrust on you in such a way that you had no choice but take it. You know what it is like to not be able to give consent and to have to deal with being violated. It is true that the extent of victimization happens on a wide spectrum. Many people have experienced life in a much worse and much easier way than you have. Nevertheless, the human experience of being a victim is universal. After all, you did not chose to be born. When you were a child you did not have the power of consent. You had to do what you needed to do to survive.
Victimization causes you to view yourself as powerless. Resentment and blame pollute your thoughts and emotions. You unwittingly set yourself up to be re-victimized. Even if the same act of violation does not occur again, your self-perception can keep you behind the bars of victimhood.
With work and intention, it is possible to move beyond the mentality of being a victim. Since 2002 I have worked as a Mental Health Counselor in Seattle, WA. The following is a three step process* I have discovered to be very effective in my own life and in the lives of those I work with.
1) Acknowledge your past. You have been harmed. You have been hurt. You were neglected. You were betrayed. You were not cared for. You were forced. You were powerless.
2) Be aware of your present. You can leave. You can hold a boundary. You can say no. You can ask for help. You can adjust your perspective. You can hold yourself and others accountable. You have power.
3) Move towards the future by intentionally owning your perspective. You can handle it better. You will not repeat the harm. You will do what is necessary to address the wound so it can heal. You will focus on not allowing the harm to limit who you are becoming.
Beware! This process may seem simple, but it is actually very difficult and it takes a great deal of patience and practice. It is likely your mind will talk you out of your own power. “Yes, but…” , “This may work for other’s but I can’t…” or any other of the plethora of excuse statements will frequently come to mind and out of your mouth. Your survival instincts don’t want to risk you being harmed again and will be very willing to settle for the predictable risks brought by the familiarity of victimhood over the inherent unknown risks involved in moving on into a new way of being.
Practicing this process will take time, effort and endurance. You will need to try and fail many times before you begin to feel the relief of what it is like to be a self-actualized person who no longer lives into the mentality of victimhood. You can move on. You need to move on. With patience, practice and persistence you will move on.
*I originally published this process in an essay titled Forgiveness as a Process of Intentional Evolution. While I stand behind the use of the word forgiveness, I also realize that it may carry a religious connotation that is not intended.
Photos taken by the author with a Polaroid 600 using film from Polaroid Originals. All Rights Reserved.
atta dawahare 